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They Said What about Parenting?

1. Given a choice, offer the child beer instead of water.

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False

2. To ensure your child sleeps soundly have his or her head face south at night.

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False

3. Avoid thinking of ugly people while pregnant.

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False

4. Hold the baby closely as much as possible.

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False

5. Crying should be discouraged as it negatively impacts lung development.

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False

6. If your child cries so much as to rupture a blood vessel in its face, turn the baby over and deliver a sound spanking -- it will catch its breath.

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False

7. Teach your toddler not to be selfish by leaving him or her alone with several neighborhood preschoolers and their new toys.

True

False

8. Avoid diphtheria by bathing the child each night in 98.7 degree water.

True

False

9. Make vaccinations less painful for children by having them chew gum while getting the needles.

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False

10. For your child to truly thrive, give them multiple daily doses of multivitamins.

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False

11. Stop stubbornness in children by spanking them with wooden spoons beginning at six months of age.

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False

12. The baby's first year of baths should be of lard not water.

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False

13. If your child suffers flatulence take away the pacifier to encourage burping instead.

True

False

14. Don't change an infant's clothes any more than absolutely necessary.

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False

15. Bouncing a baby on a parent's knee can lead to wrecked nerves.

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False

16. Feeding a baby at night encourages socialism.

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False

17. Child won't sleep? Give him or her gin before bed.

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False

18. Baby bowel movements should be regulated as early as possible.

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False

19. Do not breastfeed angry.

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False

20. Start adding cereal to the baby's diet after 2 days.

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False

21. Give a child sugar sodas as early as possible to get them used to normal eating patterns.

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False

22. Give your child shoes that leak and let in water to build character.

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False

23. Encourage siblings to like each other more by leaving the youngest in the care of the eldest as soon as possible.

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False

24. To encourage healthy behavior in a teen, shake hands with him or her each evening.

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False

25. To ensure your child recognizes the father as the head of the household, allow them to be treated as slaves by neighbors when they are disobedient.

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False

26. Swaddle a baby tightly at risk of limiting their limb mobility as they grow.

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False

27. If your child has aches and pains or stiffness, apply strawberry ointment to the affected areas.

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False

28. Avoid pet allergies later in life by keeping family cat or dog in crib with infant at birth.

True

False

29. Insure a child's safety by keeping them indoors with windows closed to sunlight and fresh air.

True

False

30. Drink a pint of Guinness daily during pregnancy to be sure the baby gets enough iron.

True

False

31. It's never too early to begin a baby's sunbathing routine.

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False

32. When pregnant cut down on smoking to just half a pack a day.

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False

33. There is a direct correlation between the vegetables a child eats in the first five years and when they are likely to move out of the home.

True

False

34. While busy doing housework, leave the baby outside in the stroller to get some fresh air.

True

False

35. At four months it's advisable to wean a baby off milk to bone broth.

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False

36. To ensure baby gets fresh air every day, buy a crib cage that can be attached outside an apartment window.

True

False

37. During pregnancy be as quiet as possible in the week that would otherwise correspond with your menstrual period.

True

False

38. To help your child sleep put them in a crib with a lead-based painted toy.

True

False

39. If child is injured and bleeding, it is best to let them cry it out entirely before reacting.

True

False

40. Force child to face their fears of swimming by throwing them into the deep end and walking away.

True

False

41. Offer ailing children a spoonful of opium and alcohol.

True

False

42. Harness a child's shoulders to improve his or her posture.

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False

43. Stop nursing children at nine months to avoid brain disease.

True

False

44. If you must travel pregnant, do so by train.

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False

45. Don't encourage a baby to stand too early or he will become bow-legged.

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False

46. To help a child sleep, provide a dose of morphine.

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False

47. Child have a fever? Give her a spoonful of sugar.

True

False

48. Do not trust the parenting of small children under the age of three to mothers.

True

False

49. After Trick or Treating at Halloween check your child's loot for razors.

True

False

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