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They Said What about Parenting?
1. Given a choice, offer the child beer instead of water.
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False
2. To ensure your child sleeps soundly have his or her head face south at night.
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False

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3. Avoid thinking of ugly people while pregnant.
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False
4. Hold the baby closely as much as possible.
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False

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5. Crying should be discouraged as it negatively impacts lung development.
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False
6. If your child cries so much as to rupture a blood vessel in its face, turn the baby over and deliver a sound spanking -- it will catch its breath.
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False

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7. Teach your toddler not to be selfish by leaving him or her alone with several neighborhood preschoolers and their new toys.
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False
8. Avoid diphtheria by bathing the child each night in 98.7 degree water.
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False

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9. Make vaccinations less painful for children by having them chew gum while getting the needles.
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False
10. For your child to truly thrive, give them multiple daily doses of multivitamins.
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False

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11. Stop stubbornness in children by spanking them with wooden spoons beginning at six months of age.
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False
12. The baby's first year of baths should be of lard not water.
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False

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13. If your child suffers flatulence take away the pacifier to encourage burping instead.
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False
14. Don't change an infant's clothes any more than absolutely necessary.
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False

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15. Bouncing a baby on a parent's knee can lead to wrecked nerves.
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False
16. Feeding a baby at night encourages socialism.
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False

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17. Child won't sleep? Give him or her gin before bed.
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False
18. Baby bowel movements should be regulated as early as possible.
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False

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19. Do not breastfeed angry.
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False
20. Start adding cereal to the baby's diet after 2 days.
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False

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21. Give a child sugar sodas as early as possible to get them used to normal eating patterns.
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False
22. Give your child shoes that leak and let in water to build character.
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False

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23. Encourage siblings to like each other more by leaving the youngest in the care of the eldest as soon as possible.
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False
24. To encourage healthy behavior in a teen, shake hands with him or her each evening.
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False

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25. To ensure your child recognizes the father as the head of the household, allow them to be treated as slaves by neighbors when they are disobedient.
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False
26. Swaddle a baby tightly at risk of limiting their limb mobility as they grow.
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False

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27. If your child has aches and pains or stiffness, apply strawberry ointment to the affected areas.
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False
28. Avoid pet allergies later in life by keeping family cat or dog in crib with infant at birth.
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False

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29. Insure a child's safety by keeping them indoors with windows closed to sunlight and fresh air.
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False
30. Drink a pint of Guinness daily during pregnancy to be sure the baby gets enough iron.
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False

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31. It's never too early to begin a baby's sunbathing routine.
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False
32. When pregnant cut down on smoking to just half a pack a day.
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False

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33. There is a direct correlation between the vegetables a child eats in the first five years and when they are likely to move out of the home.
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False
34. While busy doing housework, leave the baby outside in the stroller to get some fresh air.
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False

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35. At four months it's advisable to wean a baby off milk to bone broth.
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False
36. To ensure baby gets fresh air every day, buy a crib cage that can be attached outside an apartment window.
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False

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37. During pregnancy be as quiet as possible in the week that would otherwise correspond with your menstrual period.
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False
38. To help your child sleep put them in a crib with a lead-based painted toy.
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False

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39. If child is injured and bleeding, it is best to let them cry it out entirely before reacting.
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False
40. Force child to face their fears of swimming by throwing them into the deep end and walking away.
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False

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41. Offer ailing children a spoonful of opium and alcohol.
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False
42. Harness a child's shoulders to improve his or her posture.
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False

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43. Stop nursing children at nine months to avoid brain disease.
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False
44. If you must travel pregnant, do so by train.
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False

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45. Don't encourage a baby to stand too early or he will become bow-legged.
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False
46. To help a child sleep, provide a dose of morphine.
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False

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47. Child have a fever? Give her a spoonful of sugar.
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False
48. Do not trust the parenting of small children under the age of three to mothers.
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False

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49. After Trick or Treating at Halloween check your child's loot for razors.
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False
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